I'm Gay

First off, I know I haven't blogged in awhile like I planned to, but I'm glad I am blogging today because I have a few things I would like to say.

  This weekend has been tough for all of us. So many innocent people died while just trying to live their lives the best way they knew how. However, it was the shooting at Orlando's Pulse LGBT nightclub that really made me feel in ways I've never felt before when it came to mass shootings. During past shootings, I would feel sad. And a little angry. And wonder why anyone would want to kill innocent people. I think, up until this past weekend, Sandy Hook has been the shooting that affected me the most. I knew exactly where I was, and how I responded when I found out about it. For the rest of the day and into the night, I couldn't stay off Twitter. I had to see what else they found out about the shooting. In 2012, for me, when the Sandy Hook and Aurora movie theater shootings happened, I didn't think too much of it, at least compared to how I feel now, 4 years later. But this Orlando shooting changed me.

  I am gay. I am a part of the LGBT community. I have hid this from myself, and from everyone who knew me, for 8 years. It was my biggest, darkest secret. I thought if I told anyone my entire life would be ruined. No one would like me. I would be all alone. And since society wasn't very gay friendly at this time, I began to hide my sexuality. I told myself I was straight. I prayed to God asking him to take my gayness away. I would do anything, ANYTHING, to not be gay. I asked girls on dates only because that's what society expected me to do. I wanted to date girls only because I thought it was the next step in my life. I didn't know how I felt about the same sex yet. Whenever people asked me if I was gay, I denied it because I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. And when I came out to the first person ever in 2012, which was a huge accomplishment for me, I told them I was bisexual. I didn't even have the courage to say I was gay. And a few people asked me around school that they heard I was bisexual, I still denied it. Because, even then, I was ashamed. But now, 4 years later, I am proud to say I have the confidence, courage, and pride to tell the world who I am. I will not hide. I will not surrender. I will be me.

  The reason why the Orlando shooting has affected me so much is because it was, in the words of President Obama, "an act of terror and an act of hate." And yes, it was. I first heard of the shooting when I woke up to go to Los Angeles Pride. I was stunned, shocked, and sad just like every other shooting. I went to LA Pride with dignity, and pride.

  But now, a few days later, I am an emotional wreck. I've never once cried because of a mass shooting, until Orlando happened. Hearing the survivors' stories, the lives of the victims, the horror that took place in the nightclub, the sickening and haunting stories of police hearing phones vibrate from the victim's pockets, knowing their families and friends were trying to contact them, but would never hear from them again. This sickens me to my core. What if my friends were in that club? What if my future boyfriend were in that club? I've been to several gay clubs, but now when I go I will be forced to have this image in my head.

  This shooting was an act of hate. The shooter wanted to harm gay people because he became angry when he saw two gay men kissing. Gay people have always had to live their lives in somewhat of a secret. When I drive for Uber, if I think a passenger I'm driving is homophobic, I will not tell them I'm gay. When I come out to strangers, I fear that they will reject me and have nothing to do with me. There are millions of allies to the LGBT community, and that is beyond great. But the sad truth is, when you say you know how LGBT people feel, you don't. You have absolutely no idea what it's like to be LGBT. However bad you think it is, times that by a million. Even when you come out, there is fear and anxiety. It never truly goes away. But we all find a way to live with it.

  Our society and our world is a very messed up place. There are many things I will never understand. Why people do certain things, and why people get killed just for being themselves. And by the way, please don't blame Muslims for this act of violence. Muslims are a group of people just like the LGBT community. We both know what persecution feels like. It's not fair, and it's not what humans are about.

  As I end this blog, I would like to just remind everyone to not spread hate. Don't hate someone because they are different than you. Don't believe what everyone else thinks just because you are afraid to think for yourself. It's okay to be different, and it's okay not to be okay. Even after seeing all of these dark events in our news feeds, I still believe that humans can achieve peace and happiness. I believe that one day, there will be no more wars, and people will live as one. I believe people won't care how other people live their lives, but that everyone will still care about each other. Even after Orlando, there are thousands of people willing to give their blood, willing to donate money for those in need, and willing to spend a few hours out of their day to remember those innocent lives that the world has lost. The world will always have light, we just have to find it.

Love yourselves. Love each other. Love Adam

The Death of Social Media?! I Can Dream...

 

Something that has been on my mind this week is social media, and how the majority of us are practically obsessed with it. We live our lives behind a computer or a smartphone, not even aware of what is going on in our lives in the physical moment. And social media can be good, for things like connecting with people around the world in a much faster pace, or reading the latest headlines just seconds after it happened, but at what cost?

   I've been involved with social media since I was 12. In 6th grade, I got my first MySpace profile. That same year I also got my first cell phone, which was a flip phone (God bless them). This was in 2006, when the internet was still a scary place and kids still had to have a parent let them on it. But now, kids are getting smart phones at an even younger age. Now kids and adults can access all of what the internet has to offer in the palm of their hands.

   A few months ago, there was this famous Instagram girl who quit her Instagram account so suddenly with no explanation, until a few days later when she explained to the world how she took 50+ pictures of herself just to get the right angle, or how she spent the entire day just trying to gain attention and get more followers. Or how she was promoting companies that she didn't even use or care about. She was tired of living her life through a screen.

   I feel like I've become much like this girl. Ever since I joined Facebook, or Instagram, or Twitter, and even Snapchat, I've always been concerned with who is viewing my stuff. I would look on Facebook and see other people post gorgeous, flawless selfies of themselves and their picture would get dozens of likes, while my own would get maybe 10, or 20 if I was lucky. But those likes weren't good enough, I always wanted more. Sometimes I would try and post stuff during the day at around noon because I knew that was when I would probably get the most likes. I would make sure I looked like a model before I posted it, because I wouldn't dare be seen looking like my average self. If I did post my average self, I wouldn't get as many likes. This is who I, and many others like me, have become. Our entire self worth is based solely off of how many people like or comment on our posts.

   I've actually felt depressed before because I see people post on Facebook or Snapchat and they seem to be doing something all the time. Going out to a bar, traveling, just hanging with friends, going to a cool celebrities party. I literally do none of those things. (Major loser points ;)). Why should I care what other people are doing with their lives? Anyways they are most likely doing the same thing as me, which is go on Facebook and feel jealous of everyone else's life cry. And then of course I have to post a happy selfie and pat myself on the back when I get all these likes, thus having people remind myself that I'm good enough. Facebook, please go to hell.

   I actually deleted my Instagram. And let me tell you, that was one of my best decisions. I don't miss Instagram. I don't miss seeing people's mirror selfie's and their six pack abs. I don't miss seeing how many likes someone else got from their almost nude photo. As soon as I deleted it, I felt free. I felt like my life was just a little bit better. I didn't have to worry about how many followers I had or if my selfie was model status. I could spend my day actually being productive, like watching Netflix or taking a walk outside with my lonesome self, and then going home crying and watching some more Netflix. A day well spent in my opinion.

   If you're reading this, first off I thank you, but after you're done, shut off your computer, close the app on your phone, and look outside at our beautiful world. See the birds chirping to each other, see the wind move the trees ever so slightly. See the stars light up the night sky. And maybe, just maybe, you could tell a stranger on the street that you like their outfit, and to have a nice day. That's the old social media, and it works much better.  :)

Love Yourself. Love Each Other. Love Adam. 

The Past Two Years...

I haven't posted a blog in two years. WOW! (I am GREAT at commitment, obviously). I'm going to be honest, I have no idea what to type right now. The past few months I've just had a strong urge to blog about something, everything, in my life. I've never really been a too talkative person, but writing gives me a voice I never could seem to portray. With writing I feel like people can listen to me, and understand me. I am heard.

   So, what have I been up to for the past two years? Well, I guess a little bit of everything. I've moved  apartments four times (classic LA), I've acted in a short film, I've acted in a commercial, I've taken a sketch writing class at the Second City improv theater in Hollywood, I've taken an audition technique class and a scene study class. I've taken a class with a casting director for Disney. I recently started taking singing lessons. I worked as a dishwasher for a Mexican restaurant in Santa Monica and quit after four months. I've dealt with several crazy roommates, hence why I've moved four times. I've been working on writing two feature film scripts, and a few short film scripts. I've written several sketches, some for myself that I would like to film, and others for the writing class I took. I've had the great opportunity to work with several amazing actors (Bryan Cranston, Jack Black, Jake Gyllenhaal, Amy Adams, to name a few). I've started working with Uber and Lyft, scary I know. I've fallen in love and had my heart broken. I've been around the LA dating scene, with no luck clearly. I took a brutally cold trip to New York, which hopefully in the upcoming years will be my new home. I've made some new friends, and said goodbye to old ones. And by said goodbye I mean blocked and never talked to them again ;). (PS don't trust anyone in LA. More than likely, they will screw you over).

   So yeah that's what I've been up to. But I guess a bigger portion of the past two years has been about maturing and growing within myself. It's quite a struggle to accept yourself for not necessarily who you are, but for who you can't become. Los Angeles is a very tough city to live in, physically, mentally, emotionally. It's hard to make true friends here, and it's hard to find someone who is willing to date you and won't hook up with the literal thousands of other people just like you. It's hard to accept yourself when all you see is people with perfect bodies and the best symmetrical faces, whose careers are going at a much faster pace than your own. But all save all that for another blog :).

This blog may be all over the place, I have no idea since I'm not going to read it over before I post it and I have to pee. So therefore, perfection can wait. Oh yeah, and I have to drive for Lyft tonight if I want to be able to pay rent. I should probably get on that...

By the way, I plan to make these blogs more of a weekly occurrence, so if I don't post next week please feel free to punch me. I don't promote violence, but in my case it's a necessary exception.

Peace yo'

My life right now in the words of Spongebob, aka the best cartoon ever made.