I'm Gay

First off, I know I haven't blogged in awhile like I planned to, but I'm glad I am blogging today because I have a few things I would like to say.

  This weekend has been tough for all of us. So many innocent people died while just trying to live their lives the best way they knew how. However, it was the shooting at Orlando's Pulse LGBT nightclub that really made me feel in ways I've never felt before when it came to mass shootings. During past shootings, I would feel sad. And a little angry. And wonder why anyone would want to kill innocent people. I think, up until this past weekend, Sandy Hook has been the shooting that affected me the most. I knew exactly where I was, and how I responded when I found out about it. For the rest of the day and into the night, I couldn't stay off Twitter. I had to see what else they found out about the shooting. In 2012, for me, when the Sandy Hook and Aurora movie theater shootings happened, I didn't think too much of it, at least compared to how I feel now, 4 years later. But this Orlando shooting changed me.

  I am gay. I am a part of the LGBT community. I have hid this from myself, and from everyone who knew me, for 8 years. It was my biggest, darkest secret. I thought if I told anyone my entire life would be ruined. No one would like me. I would be all alone. And since society wasn't very gay friendly at this time, I began to hide my sexuality. I told myself I was straight. I prayed to God asking him to take my gayness away. I would do anything, ANYTHING, to not be gay. I asked girls on dates only because that's what society expected me to do. I wanted to date girls only because I thought it was the next step in my life. I didn't know how I felt about the same sex yet. Whenever people asked me if I was gay, I denied it because I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. And when I came out to the first person ever in 2012, which was a huge accomplishment for me, I told them I was bisexual. I didn't even have the courage to say I was gay. And a few people asked me around school that they heard I was bisexual, I still denied it. Because, even then, I was ashamed. But now, 4 years later, I am proud to say I have the confidence, courage, and pride to tell the world who I am. I will not hide. I will not surrender. I will be me.

  The reason why the Orlando shooting has affected me so much is because it was, in the words of President Obama, "an act of terror and an act of hate." And yes, it was. I first heard of the shooting when I woke up to go to Los Angeles Pride. I was stunned, shocked, and sad just like every other shooting. I went to LA Pride with dignity, and pride.

  But now, a few days later, I am an emotional wreck. I've never once cried because of a mass shooting, until Orlando happened. Hearing the survivors' stories, the lives of the victims, the horror that took place in the nightclub, the sickening and haunting stories of police hearing phones vibrate from the victim's pockets, knowing their families and friends were trying to contact them, but would never hear from them again. This sickens me to my core. What if my friends were in that club? What if my future boyfriend were in that club? I've been to several gay clubs, but now when I go I will be forced to have this image in my head.

  This shooting was an act of hate. The shooter wanted to harm gay people because he became angry when he saw two gay men kissing. Gay people have always had to live their lives in somewhat of a secret. When I drive for Uber, if I think a passenger I'm driving is homophobic, I will not tell them I'm gay. When I come out to strangers, I fear that they will reject me and have nothing to do with me. There are millions of allies to the LGBT community, and that is beyond great. But the sad truth is, when you say you know how LGBT people feel, you don't. You have absolutely no idea what it's like to be LGBT. However bad you think it is, times that by a million. Even when you come out, there is fear and anxiety. It never truly goes away. But we all find a way to live with it.

  Our society and our world is a very messed up place. There are many things I will never understand. Why people do certain things, and why people get killed just for being themselves. And by the way, please don't blame Muslims for this act of violence. Muslims are a group of people just like the LGBT community. We both know what persecution feels like. It's not fair, and it's not what humans are about.

  As I end this blog, I would like to just remind everyone to not spread hate. Don't hate someone because they are different than you. Don't believe what everyone else thinks just because you are afraid to think for yourself. It's okay to be different, and it's okay not to be okay. Even after seeing all of these dark events in our news feeds, I still believe that humans can achieve peace and happiness. I believe that one day, there will be no more wars, and people will live as one. I believe people won't care how other people live their lives, but that everyone will still care about each other. Even after Orlando, there are thousands of people willing to give their blood, willing to donate money for those in need, and willing to spend a few hours out of their day to remember those innocent lives that the world has lost. The world will always have light, we just have to find it.

Love yourselves. Love each other. Love Adam